2024 in Review
- 4 minsI can’t believe 2024 has already passed.
The last 4 years of my life have gone by so quickly, and I’m not sure I’ve been able to catch up to time. This past year started roughly, but midway through, I rediscovered who I am and who I want to be.
Lowlights
I started this year without an apartment and eventually without a car for half of the year. I was staying in airbnbs and hotels as I failed to find an apartment in Birmingham. Some advice: Just take out graduate loans from the federal government. I didn’t know it was possible to take out graduate loans when I started school, and I ended up with some debt trying to pay for things when my mother was ill. Due to that, I have an iffy credit score.
The grief didn’t help any of this. I think I felt like I deserved to struggle because I was so unhappy in every aspect of my life. I felt mentally frozen by everything, and it seemed impossible to make decisions about anything, but eventually, I was able to find the fortitude to work through finding an apartment and getting my car fixed.
Highlights
I did NOT expect (although I wanted to) to attend a conference last year and let alone present any of my work. For the first time in quite some time (perhaps my entire graduate school experience), I felt that my brain could process information. There’s some interesting research on how stress (especially if chronic) can negatively impact cognitive function. I wasn’t sure I’d recuperate from the combination of grief, stress, and burnout I felt. But in 2024, the fog began to lift.
Rediscovering My Purpose
I was sitting in my office one night (maybe after midnight) reading papers and performing analyses when a lightbulb went off. I asked myself: Why do I feel so stuck? What is holding me back from being who I want to be? Sometimes grief and chronic stress creates this functional freeze that prevents you from moving - emotionally or mentally. That’s where I was in April of 2024. I was just trying to survive each day without crying or feeling overwhelmed. I didn’t want my life to get better because that meant progressing without my mother.
Something clicked that night and reminded me of my purpose. It was as if my mother and grandfather planted those questions in my head. Their belief in me had always made me feel like I could do anything so why could I not believe that on my own.
Starting that night, I vowed to actually CARE about myself. I went to the doctor that month. I invested in my health. I started to exercise again. I started to eat better. I started to feel better. I started to like myself again. I started to reimagine a future for myself. I started to believe in myself again.
I remembered my “why” - why I was in graduate school, why I was studying what I was studying, why I was doing what I was doing. I remembered that everything that had happened in my life to that point is why I cared so much about improving health outcomes for people - because I had seen the beauty and tragedy of it up close and personal.
Productivity vs. Community?
Lost in all of my new found productivity was the realization that I had lost touch with my support system. I realized (even with all of the time I invested in people when my mother was sick), I had not been honest with how I felt in some friendships and relationships. I don’t know if it’s possible to be a good friend when your state of mind is in constant fight or flight mode. Also, sometimes rediscovering yourself and improving yourself means that you diverge from the people you once knew.
I learned I had to accept that I had changed. I had to accept that some friends weren’t the kind of friends I needed or wanted. I had to accept that I also wasn’t the friend that some people needed or wanted.
And there is nothing wrong with any of that. I’ve done my best to be a good friend, and it’s important not to take things personally.
For those who left my life (I lost at least 2 friendships in 2024 without warning and many others before during graduate school), I sincerely wish them well. I still love them, and I still hope we can be friends again one day. Sometimes people are in your life for a season. For those who stayed, I appreciate and owe you. I hope I can be a better friend to you in 2025.
Maybe it means that in order for me to feel purpose, I need to embrace my solitude more. I’m still figuring that out.
2025
Overall, I had a great year, and I’m excited to see what 2025 brings. There are a ton of projects and goals I started working towards in 2024 that I WILL complete in 2025. Failure to succeed at my goals is not an option.
Shaurita D. Hutchins
Graduate Research Assistant