The Loneliness of a PhD
As a graduate student, I never anticipated loneliness to be such a significant aspect of my experience. I expected the ups and downs of research, the scarcity of free time, and the occasional struggles with personal commitments, but the feeling of isolation was unforeseen. Before COVID-19, I made friends with many graduate students as a research technician, and they all seemed to value each other and have a sense of community. Things have changed since then, including graduate students having different expectations placed on them.
Despite my efforts to forge a sense of community upon starting grad school, I’ve found this goal more challenging than expected. I imagine it’s a paradox that puzzles many: as the president of the graduate student government, committed to crafting a safe and inclusive environment where everyone can see themselves, how do I still feel alone? While fulfilling in its capacity to serve others, this role has yet to meet my needs and desires.
There are many nights I barely sleep worrying about my project or worrying about the decisions I’ve made as a student or student leader. There are many days that I forget to eat anything until the evening because I want to share results before the late afternoon or have so many zoom meetings that I can’t time it properly. On top of that, I often worry about whether the work I do will matter or change anything. If healthcare is so corrupt, will my efforts matter as a scientist? Will being a “diverse” or “underrepresented” PhD student help anyone at all in any way or will it just make me feel even more isolated?
How am I supposed to be this perceived role model or example when I barely know how to survive graduate school? How am I supposed to be a good scientist when I have to fight for science to be taken seriously?
I don’t know who to talk to about those things or if there is anyone out there I can talk to at all.
Looking back on a piece I wrote 10 months ago about the importance of community, its critical role in surviving a doctoral program becomes even more apparent. While some may successfully find their sense of belonging, others, like myself, continue to face challenges. Over time, I’ve begun to accept this loneliness as a part of my journey. My interests, my age, being a black woman, and my sense of urgency differentiate me; however, this doesn’t devalue the experiences of others. Instead, it signifies a divergence in paths toward finding a community where we belong.
So, for anyone feeling isolated in their academic or personal journey, remember you’re not alone. This shared experience is a testament to the diversity of our paths and underscores the importance of continuing the search for a community where we can thrive. The quest for belonging is arduous but essential. So, don’t give up. Your place is out there, waiting for you to find it or create it.
Shaurita D. Hutchins
Graduate Student Trainee