For All We Know
I have lost more this year than I ever imagined my heart could hold, and I wish there was something I could offer the universe to have it all back. But even those you love don’t belong to you. Only the memories can remain.
I’ll Hold Out My Hand & My Heart Will Be In It
Losing my mom has forced me to recognize more vividly that I’ve never had my own identity. I’ve never belonged to myself. My place in this world has always been defined by my belief in altruism - shared goals. At this moment, I don’t believe in society or community…I don’t believe it was meant for some of us to belong to. The horrors I’ve seen and heard have left me biased. Despite that, I do have belief in many individuals including the countless people who’ve extended their support and condolences.
But I have far more of my own (in addition to the ones I’m asked) questions than I anticipated. Who am I now? Who was I before? Why did this happen to my mother? Why is this my life? Why didn’t all of my efforts matter? Could I have changed this outcome? Where do I go from here? What matters to me now? Can I recover from this? What will I do with the time I have? Will I ever love someone as much as I loved my mom? Will anyone ever love me the way my mom did? Will anyone ever know me that well? Will I ever hug someone again? Will I ever love again?
I’d settle for being okay and not in constant pain and sadness, but is that all I should or can expect from life?
Before You Go, Make This Moment Sweet Again
I saw her that afternoon. I was running late to meet a friend for some coworking, but I knew I had to visit my mom. I kissed her, and she kissed me back. I told her I loved her. She said she was feeling tired, and I told her to go ahead and take a nap - to be ready for when I came back that evening. But when I returned, she was gone and so was my heart. It still feels like a dream.
We loved Donny Hathaway. It was rare that I could find a song that she hadn’t heard by an artist from the 60’s or 70’s. However, a few years ago, I played “For All We Know” by Donny Hathaway for her for the first time. She’d obviously known about “A Song for You”, but we connected over “For All We Know” as well.
Today, I can’t play that song without tears welling up in my eyes.
Tomorrow was made for some. Tomorrow may never come.
For all we know.
Shaurita D. Hutchins
Graduate Student Trainee