3 Years After
- 2 mins"Shaurita, baby, you got this. That's always the attitude I want you to have about anything you do." - My Mom
A Piece of My Mom
A few weeks ago, I came across a digital recorder I have. I had it in college because I was in a writing class (Dr. Laborde’s; thank you for challenging me to be a better writer) that required interviewing students.
The recording was taken on December 27, 2019 right after I left the car to take the GRE. While UAB and Baylor didn’t require the GRE for admission, I was also applying to Columbia University (glad I didn’t get in there), and I wanted to prove to them and myself that I could ace the test.
Needless to say, I was extremely nervous. The last test I’d taken was the MCAT. I didn’t prepare very well for it. I was much younger and although I did well enough, I felt disappointed. Maybe that was the best I could do with my life.
I’m not sure how my recorder was on that day. I think I probably accidentally hit the button while trying to get the few items I could take into the GRE testing center.
When I first heard the recording a few weeks ago, I burst into tears. My mom was talking to my aunt (who was incredibly supportive of me and gave me so much grace to be myself) who unexpectedley passed away in August of this year (two weeks before the biggest exam of my life). Hearing my mom’s voice was comforting, but also heartbreaking. I miss her so much. I also miss my aunt. More than anything, I miss having their unwavering support and encouragement.
Trying to Find My Confidence
When I lost my mom, I realized that I really didn’t have as much self-confidence as I thought I did. Over the last 3 years, I’ve tried to find that within myself, but it’s been hard. I have wavered between feeling like I can do anything and feeling like I can’t do anything at all.
This year, on the 3rd anniversary of my mom’s passing, I feel quite low. I’ve achieved many of the things I wanted more than anything such as passing my qualifying exam to become a PhD candidate, being accepted into ASHG’s Advocacy Certificate Program, and so much more. These accomplishments should feel amazing, but they don’t have that same joy without my mom here to celebrate with me.
If I’ve learned anything these past few years, it is that we can’t get time back. We must live in the present and cherish every moment we have even when it’s imperfect. We have to make the most of this time helping others, loving others, and being kind to ourselves.
I hope one day that I can live the way my mother wanted me to - with the confidence, courage, and compassion she instilled in me.
Shaurita D. Hutchins
Graduate Research Assistant