Dear Ma
Dear Ma,
I still don’t know what year it is. Or what month it is. Or what day it is.
I often catch myself forgetting that last year wasn’t 2022, and that I didn’t just lose you a few months ago.
Somehow, it has been 16 months.
I’ve been caught in a moment for 16 months.
I know what you’d want for me, but I don’t want that life without you in it.
I can see your face right now. Your brows would be furrowed or you’d be raising an eyebrow. You’d tell me that I have gifts that God would want me to use. You’d tell me that I need to own those gifts. You’d remind me of where I came from (our family’s rich history of activism, commitment to education, and more). You’d tell me I’m capable of anything because of that. You’d tell me how proud Paw-Paw and Granny would be. He always wanted to go back to school to get his Ph.D.
But you aren’t here to tell me that today - when it gets rough. So, I’m forced to try to find that from within.
I miss you.
I miss going to your favorite restaurants (or trying new ones) on your birthday like Drago’s or The Manship. I loved critiquing food with you.
I miss learning from you. You knew something about everything. You were always teaching me things about life, professionalism, relationships, history, and more. I could ask you any question, and you almost always knew the answer.
I miss your smile and your energy. Even during the worst of times, your faith and exuberance inspired me. People could not get enough of you and being around you. You told stories better than anyone (we would laugh until we cried).
You could make any person feel like they were special - and you used that skill often to make your students and anyone else who may have felt “lesser” feel like they were royalty.
You made me feel like I could do anything I imagined - that there was no limitation except the ones I placed on myself.
I always hoped one day I could give you that feeling and show you how much I appreciated you. We had so many plans - trips, places we wanted live in the future so we could be close to each other. It breaks my heart that we won’t ever have that opportunity.
I hope you knew how much I loved and valued you. I hope you knew how much others loved and valued you as well. You were the light in my life, and I will forever be chasing that.
Happy Birthday, Ma.
For many years, “A Song for Mama” by Boyz II Men was my ringtone for my mom.
Shaurita D. Hutchins
Graduate Student Trainee