2 Years & Many Tears Later
It’s been 2 years, and I’m still at a loss for words.
I miss you more than words can describe.
It feels like I replay that day I lost you over and over again every other day. Could I have done something different that day? Could I have done something different in the weeks leading up to you passing away?
The only answer I come to is that I don’t know, but I wish I could have offered the universe something in exchange for you to stay. My sight, my hearing, my ability to walk, my ability to speak, my ability to think, my ability to feel - I would have given it all up for you to still be here.
There are so many new things happening in my life. So many firsts. Every time each of those firsts happen, I wish you I could call you and tell you about them.
I’ve struggled taking care of myself because I think I was afaid that if I did, it’d mean I wasn’t the same person you remember. It’d mean that I was moving on. It’d mean that I was leaving you behind.
But I learned this year that you would want me to be the best version of myself that I could be. You wouldn’t want me wallowing in grief for the rest of my life. You’d want me to learn from all the lessons you taught me and all of your experiences.
And more than anything, you would want me to find ways to help others as you did as a teacher, in the NAACP, in your church, and just by existing.
And I think I owe that to you and myself.
Shaurita D. Hutchins
Graduate Research Assistant