Reimagining Life
- 2 minsI like to plan things in great detail. For most of my life, both in my mind and on paper, there has always been a plan.
The death of my mother (and her becoming ill at the start of my doctoral degree) was not part of the plan. Living through the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic was not part of that plan either. Together, those experiences changed how I imagined this period of my life.
As I embark on the last year of my doctoral degree, a melancholic feeling has crept up. I miss what I haven’t had over these last five and a half years: a mother’s support.
I never imagined I would have to push myself this hard without having my biggest cheerleader.
Now, at least once a week, I wonder what it will feel like walking across that stage without her in the audience smiling. She won’t be there to give me a long hug. I won’t get to introduce her to all the amazing friends and colleagues I have gained. We won’t get a chance to celebrate the biggest professional moment of my life. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
We had plans to see so much of the world together. She loved to travel. Her father made sure she, her sisters, and my grandmother saw much of the United States growing up, and she encouraged me to do the same.
We loved New Orleans in particular for its culture, history, and architecture. I always imagined traveling there with her again to try Emeril’s, revisit Deanie’s, and finally take the swamp tour we had talked about for years.
I will also always remember her visiting Chichén Itzá in Mexico because she could not stop talking about its history afterward. According to her friends, she gave the resort a memorable karaoke performance of a Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston song.
We also had plans to live near each other. I always told her once I had a good job that I’d move her near me or have a room or guest house where she could visit often. I wanted to have the opportunity to take care of her the way she took care of me.
Today, which would have been her birthday, I hope I’m able to honor her by living a full and fulfilling life. I know that is what she’d want for me.
I love you and miss you dearly, Ma. Happy Birthday.
Shaurita D. Hutchins
PhD Candidate